I wanted him to be happy, but he never was, even if that meant letting him go. Letting him go, my worst fear. How was I to function without him near me? But how was he to function with me constantly clinging to him? I was a ghost with no future – especially one with him. If you love someone, set them free… Was that what I had to do? Set him free to go into another's arms…? I… must… If he doesn't come back… He was… never… truly… mine… in the first place… We try so hard To love and be loved That we don't see That we already are We break, we ache We fall and fall Endlessly crying For something, anything But this empty emotion Deep within us ----------------------------------------------------------- Kiss From a Dream By Eternal Angel stargazing12@hotmail.com Chapter 6 – Envious Rain and the Sunshine ----------------------------------------------------------- Jerking pain, broken heartache… a reciting dream that brought only one thing: bitterness. "The one chance of love you did have was already gone…" The pitter-patter of rain, the longings of a soul, the darkness of the heart… and the silence. The silence of emptiness of the world upon his shoulders, waiting for him to regret – but he already had done so, so long ago. The rain fell, a substitute for his tears. He couldn't cry, he wouldn't cry… not for the death of his heart, his soul, not for the destruction of all that he held dear as it walked out of the door, walked out with her tears… No, tears were too good for him; she was too good for him… The rain fell. He watched it enviously. "You let the best thing in your life just slip away," Andrew scolded him, his arms waving frantically in distress. "Goodness, you can't do better than her!" Darien stayed silent, as he gazed out the window, mesmerized at the falling rain. His friend was right though, and he knew it with his whole being – she was the best thing that ever happened to him. She was his everything… but… "…how could you be such a fool?" "I don't know," Darien replied honestly. His voice was one of a man defeated, a man who had lost everything precious to him… "I don't know why I could… only that… only that I had too." He took a long deep breath, troubled, so very troubled inside. "Don't you see Andrew? She deserves better than me. She always has." Andrew groaned, "Oh please, not this junk." He let out a sigh, wondering how he was going to deal with this disaster. Darien had been his best friend since … well, since ever. And throughout those years, he had seen Darien always at the peak of everything. He was successful, he was smart, he was sought after… but never had he seen Darien truly… belong. That was until he meet her. She changed him so much. Life was never kind toDarien, always bringing him hardships and complications, but she brought joy, she brought pleasure to him. The truth was, Darien was an all out pessimistic and depressed guy who found joy in almost nothing… But she was able to break all barriers; she was able to make him become a lighter person… She was able to show him what it was like to truly live… All this happens because of her. His quirky grins, his thoughtful dazed looks, his… happiness. But now that she was gone… So were those brushes of life within those dark blue eyes. 'He's dead without her,' Andrew concluded, "And he knows it too.' "For her sake you gave her up? But what about your sake? You need her! Don't try to deny that fact! It's written in your eyes." Darien shrugged, "I don't matter." "You don't matter?" Andrew grew angry at this comment, "Jeez, you ARE stupid. She loves you! Everyone who saw you two together was able to notice that! Her eyes sparkled at your touch, her laughter rang at your smile, she glowed for you." Darien let out a bitter laugh. "Strange how you were able to see that and I was not. No, what I saw was much different. What I saw was her face welling up with tears because I said the wrong words. I saw her heart break when I said nothing, afraid I'd make another grave mistake. And then, you know what would happen when I'd touch her? She broke. She broke whenever I touched her. So tell me, Andrew, how could we be together when the only thing that I am capable of doing is causing her pain?" Andrew paused for a few moments, "But she loves you." "Right now she hates me." "And why is that? Because you made her think you hated her also!" Andrew flopped down onto the seat next to his friend. "You may act brave right now, sacrificing your happiness to set her free but… tell me, what's going to happen when she does move on? What are you going to do when she finds happiness in another's arms? You may not try to acknowledge it, but there are plenty of men that are willing to comfort her now in her time of need. There are many willing men out there that would be more than eager to take your place in her heart. "You may say it doesn't matter now, but you know it does. You know it matters to you so much that even a single thought of her being with another throws you in a rampage." Darien said nothing, but he knew. He knew that it mattered a lot. The rain continued to fall; its raking tears fell gently against the windowpanes, the gaping trees and the rooftops. Umbrellas all around kept off the cold contentment that splattered everywhere, but still the wetness stayed about. She watched all this from her flat, her eyes gazing at the world below her and how it continued to go on, to move on… even though she knew that everything was frozen in an endless pit of isolated pain. 'I knew things were going to end up this way,' She belittled herself, 'I just knew that things between us were truly not meant to be…' Soft pattering, an easing voice, comfort at the silence, at the bitter aching, the pain, the rejection, everything twisting around her, wrapping against her with a bitter agonizing breath. "I'm better off…" she told herself, over and over again, trying to relieve the aching of her heart. Funny, those words just made her want to cry all over again. She screamed then, frustrated and angry with herself. "Why do I do this? Why won't I just let go…? I don't need him! I don't need anything!" A fat teardrop slowly rolled down her cheek. "I just wanted to be loved…" Another teardrop, and then another, falling, falling, endlessly captured in a chaotic web of emotions and deep longing. "…I just wanted him to love me…" Shattered pieces of her heart tumbled to the ground, her attempts of mending it all lost at the sudden realization that she could love no one but him. Andrew's words continued to haunt him, over and over again. What if she does find someone? Has she found that person already? His heart began to crumble… his walls, they shook in a deep frustration as he took deep breaths, trying to calm himself but all he received were doses of pain that screamed out to him. Hollow, he was hollow… "She moved on," he whispered softly, "She forgot me already…" All he had left was… He stared blankly at seven crystals lying on the table in front of him. 'What happens if she doesn't appear?' Her words pounded in his mind as he closed his eyes, feeling the arms of loneliness surround him. 'What will you do if you find out that she doesn't exist…?' Those words she had spoken, it meant nothing to him. He didn't care. He didn't care if his princess truly existed or not. He didn't care if she appeared now … all he cared about was… 'And the one chance of love you did have was already gone…?' He wanted to do something, to let it all out… but he couldn't, all he could do was stand limply, like a man without a place to go, a place to call his home… He couldn't breath any more … he couldn't live. Life had no true meaning anymore, nothing to motivate him. There was nothing here for him; there was nothing here for him to hang on to… 'You need her!' He turned his head away from the crystals, disgusted at them… and at himself. He gazed out the window, perplexed at how the rain was still falling… and falling… Why was it able to fall so much? With no end… 'I loved you…' He took a deep breath. "I love you…" But what good came from saying it to the air? 'He needs you, do you know that?' She gazed at the lake in front of her, recalling Andrew's words to her. 'He's trying to be noble by making you believe that he doesn't need you, thinking that he wouldn't be able to love you the right way… 'But there is no right way to love…' She took a deep longing breath, wondering why this could make a difference. He loved the princess… not her… 'He spent his whole life alone, with no one there to teach him how to love, how to care, how to live… Then you came along and taunt him, showed him, what it was to love…' But he was the one who gave her up, to demand the crystals and then tell her to go away, out of his life… 'He freaked out, I know he did. He loves you, he even admitted it to me. He's just afraid that he'd ruin your life…' Too late, too late… she wanted to scream, her life was already ruined, she was already broken… so broken that she could no longer breathe without feeling the icy pains against her chest… 'Serena, just listen to me, you have got to believe me. He truly cares about you, he'd do anything to make you happy…' Like destroying her heart? Was that supposed to make her happy? 'Serena… don't run out of his life, please… He needs you! Without you he's dead…' She wanted to laugh, to laugh so hard and then to cry her heart out just the same for she knew that without him… she was dead also… She sighed, knowing there was no way to tell if Andrew was telling the truth or not, nor did she really care. She was beyond caring, beyond believing… She shook her head then, trying to clear her thoughts away from the dark haired devil and into the current matter at hand. She was going to move west, to find some place tamer… some place safer for herself and her heart… The city was too much for a girl like her. "Two more days…" she softly told herself, "And I'll be gone…" 'But would he care…?' She didn't really want to find out the answer to that. He had to see her. It wasn't one of those passing urges that he had since he saw her walk out of his life, but it was one of those urges that told him that if he didn't see her now, everything would just… everything would just… He closed his eyes tightly, unable to explain this emotion… unable to explain anything and everything… All he knew was that this was the most important moment of his life, and if he didn't find her… He ran as fast as he could with only one thing on his mind: Serena. She stood at the door, saying goodbye to the first place she was able to call home. The first place where she was able to belong, even though it was for just a short period of time. She sighed, wondering how she was going to like it in Madison, Wisconsin. She turned around, feeling a little dejected with everything that was going on. Nervousness clung to her, as she felt herself become clammy. She let out another sigh, and closed the door, not daring another look into the house. 'I just need to stop holding on' she told herself while trudging down the thousands of stairs instead of taking the elevator, hoping to linger a little more. She said goodbye to the doorman, whom gave her a warm hug and a pat on the back. She continued to trudge her way to the garage, where her trusty car sat, waiting to be driven out of New York… Two minutes into her drive she felt the sudden need for air. For space, for something other than this long trip ahead of her. She escaped into her favorite park, as she felt the soft breeze brush against her cooling her, calming her… She walked to her favorite section of the park, the lake. It was beautiful, it shimmered, it shined… it held all her secrets, all her tears… "I come to say good-bye lake," she said, feeling quite silly now. She stopped to say goodbye to a lake? She slumped down onto a bench then, closing her eyes tightly as she took deep breaths. Why was letting go so hard? This was what she wanted, there was no other way to continue on life than doing this! But… So hard, this was… "Darien…" She gently whispered, her heart beating quickly as the tears threatened to fall. "Serena…" Her eyes snapped opened quickly to stare agape at the dark haired man in front of her. She wanted to throw herself into his arms, to say how much she loved him… but… that would just make her a fool once again in this idiotic game. She stood her ground. "Serena… I…" "You…?" "How is it going?" He asked her, finding it hard to think of something to speak of. His intuition was stupid - this was stupid. Why was he here? Why did he run out here, to torment himself…? "Did you find another job yet?" She nodded, "Yes, I did." "Really? Where?" "Maidson Wisconsin, I'm leaving for there now." Everything froze for him then. All he could think was… she was leaving… for good… forever… she was… leaving… him? "I should be leaving now…" She then stood up, put on one of those fake it's-been- a-pleasure smiles and then turn her heel to walk back to her car… He grabbed her wrist, his hands shaking. "You're leaving?" She nodded, looking at the ground. "It's for the best." "Don't leave me," his voiced cracked then. Everything cracked, this façade, this game, everything. "I need you. I want you!" "But what of your princess. You love her remember? Forever more, always…" she let out a laugh, "Wanting… anyone could want a person … but … wanting isn't…" 'Love', she finished off silently in her mind. Wanting wasn't love. To want her was only to lust, but to love her was… She wanted love. She wanted his love… "My princess…" he repeated after her, as he let out a laugh. "My princess… I don't think she really exists does she? She doesn't really exist… and… I don't think I really want her to exist." Serena blinked, surprised at his words. "When I was small, I needed something to believe in. My parents died in a car accident leaving me alone. I lived in an orphanage, but the kids didn't like me. Maybe it was because my parents didn't want to give me away but because they had no choice… they died… "That's when the dreams started to come. They were beautiful dreams of a moonlit princess coming and rescuing me from my depression. A beautiful dream it was, a dream that made me strive for success by telling me that one day … one day I would find that silver lining that's out there for me… "Then I met you." "You were that silver lining that I was striving to find. "You were what my dreams pointed to." He took the crystals, all seven of them out of his pocket. "See these? They don't mean anything! They mean nothing to me!" With that, he threw them into the shimmering lake that stood ten feet away from them, as she gasped, running to the side of the lake. She turned her head around. "But… your princess…" "Haven't you been listening? I don't care about my princess! I only care about you!" With that he took her into his arms. "I love you Serena, god how I love you." Her heart pulsed, her world spun. "Love…" She closed her eyes, "You love me?" "Forever, I'll love you forever." He said with a confirming solidness as she felt like pinching herself to find out whether or not it was true. But she restrained from doing so, instead she asked, "Are you positive?" "Yes!" "I…but…" she closed her eyes tightly then, shaking her head furiously. "I'm still leaving. I don't know whether or not I could trust you anymore. You've played with my heart so badly… I lost myself Darien, I lost myself… and now you want things to be back to normal? I just… can't." "Serena, please, listen to me… I can't let you go!" She pushed herself out of his arms, smiling sadly. "You must." He wanted to reach out to her and hold onto her and never let her go but… He knew she was right; he had to let her go. "You're right, I must… but…" he touched her cheek gently, "You can go anywhere, but hear this, I will always run after you. I will make you believe that I do love you." She stared at him, surprised and shocked. "I…" She took a step back her eyes still glued to his own. "Goodbye then?" She whispered gently, feeling her heart glow as she slowly walked away from him. He called out from behind her, "No, it's just the beginning Serena, it's only just the beginning." Two hours later he was on the first flight to Madison, Wisconsin. *** He found happiness. He found true love. He found everything I wanted to give to him in another and I… I wanted spite and hate but just seeing him happy makes me feel so overjoyed too. This was my destiny. A destiny that I had accepted, a destiny I knew I had to live by… I watch him happily hold his new love within his arms. Someday, my love, we'll be together, I cannot help but think. But until then, I am content to wait.