Left Behind by Eternal Angel
stargazing12@hotmail.com
http://steelpenguin.com/~fromangeltofoes


	She lives like a ghost, an empty shell that has no life running 
through her, only a breaking heart slowly being chipped off, piece 
by piece with every still moment that passes by.  All signs of life 
and what she had been slowly drips out of her, drop by drop, until 
now she lies, brainless, aching… alone?   She does not eat, she does 
not think – all she does is exist in a parallel world of tears that falls 
so much that they even consume her sleep.

	She looks pathetic.

	She is pathetic.

	And I envy her with my whole being.  I envy this helpless girl 
who has no use in this world, who has no bother for the real world.  
I envy this girl and her ability to cry, to cry for all the things that I 
wish I had, so many things I wish I could cry about.

	But I can't.

	I cannot.

	She told me that you said goodbye to her that other day, 
beneath the moonlight, and then walked away from her, your 
solitary frame slowly disappearing off into the wide distance as you 
slipped further and further away from her as your goodbye rang 
within her ears like an echo never ceasing, never fading the whole 
time… 

	Just like the goodbye you never told me rings within my own 
ears right now.  The goodbye that you never told me, the goodbye I 
wish you had said.  The goodbye I dreamt you said instead.  A 
goodbye from the sullen distance, where you watched me and then 
inclined your head to whisper a sweet lingering goodbye before 
stepping away from me as your thoughts lingered on me once again 
before you walked out away from me completely…

	But that's what I fantasize.  That's what I wish truly had 
happen.  But even my heart knows that it's a lie as it laughs at my 
daydreams…

	So why does she cry again?  I'm so confused and puzzled… and 
maybe even angry.  You told her goodbye, a real goodbye – not just 
some made up one, and you paid your respects to her… So why does 
she cry?  I received nothing; I do not recall that sweet embrace you 
gave her given to me.  All I can recall is the cold realization that 
you had not cared for me enough to tell me goodbye.  That you 
didn't love me the way you loved her.  

	Why was it that she was crying again?  Over sweet goodbyes 
and warm embraces?  Or was it the fact that she could?  Did she cry 
because it didn't matter if life stopped functioning for her?  She had 
no burdens to carry upon her back, no haunting past that was 
waiting to break her, to corrupt her, to shun her?  

	She did not have the face redeeming herself for something she 
should not have done, or maybe something she should have instead.  
She didn't know how it feels to seek redemption for her past in able 
to live a passable life with her own self.  You did though.  You knew 
exactly how it felt to try to find peace with yourself, to attempt to 
forget your past, to forget about the blood of so many staining your 
hands.  That's why you became a rurouni.  That's why I became a 
doctor.  

	But she does not know.  She does not know how it feels to live 
with this burden that pulls you down, narrowing your choices, 
limiting your freedom, your emotions, your well-being.  She's 
ignorant.  She's innocent…

	Was that why you love her and not me?  Was it the fact that 
she was so pure?  So innocent?  Was that the reason why you think 
of her rather than I? 

	She's the only one that can save you then, isn't she?  She's 
the only one that can make you into what you want to be.  She 
knows nothing about the darkness, that bitterness of the self-hatred 
and loneliness.  She's a dreamer, believing anything is possible… 
even saving you…

	She's the only one that can bring you back from Kyoto then, I 
just know this.  Even if I went, I could never… but if she went she 
could save your soul, she could save everything you built up for, 
everything you want to start this new life of yours.

	Ken-san…

	Is it bad for me to wish that I could have been the one?